happy new year!
Well, 2004 has left us in the dust, and 2005 is upon us. So many things are different, and yet so much is the same.
Last year...
-My car gave me trouble
-I was in love with eric
-I had terrible insomnia, awaking in the middle of the night
This year...
-My car is giving me trouble
-I am still in love with eric
-I'm blogging at 5am, what do you think?
But maybe it was the tantric workshop (want a story? call me :), or maybe this was my instinctive nature boiling over - I have so much love in me I don't know what to do. So much for eric. So much for my family. So much for my friends. So much for people I disagree with. All I want to do is take everyone in and give them a rest.
Things were different five years ago. Five years ago, I was lending everyone strength, and it was completely sapping my own. Five years ago, I went out and did destructive, hurtful things to try to fill in something that wasn't there anymore, and make people hate me more than I hated myself. Five years ago, I couldn't grieve.
I wonder if that part of our history was as defining for anyone else. I don't really know, since the people that it also would have touched, I don't talk to anymore. I talk to Ang, but she has had so much else in her life, and it wasn't the same. But also, within the last five years, I have had other things in my life, but the guilt I have over this one seems occasionally overwhelming.
You may ask, "Why guilt?" I certainly didn't kill anyone. But part of the reason I couldn't grieve, and part of the reason I couldn't explain it to anyone was the situation from the previous six months. Because I reached out and hurt someone and never got a chance to really explain it. And that person meant more to me than I let on to anyone, including myself. It is so silly now, to think about it. It was damn silly then, too. But one cannot go back and change the past.
(edited-are you a friend?)
You know what is so bad about my insomnia? I'm not even tired. Also, even after all of these morbid and semi-morbid thoughts, I don't feel sad. I just have so much life and love left to give that I hope I have time to do what I need to do. I hope I don't mess anything up either. I could really only live through a painful, guilty death like five years ago once. I'm not going to do it again.
I have a new years resolution - to make sure everyone know how much love I have to give. To not hurt anyone doing it. Oh yeah, and to make wonderful crock-pot dishes. And never stop laughing, because that's part of life and love.
I've also been in love with eric for almost five years now. That's the anniversary that will happen this year that I'm really looking forward to.
But now, thus says the Lord,
who greeted you, O Jacob, and formed you, O Israel:
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name: you are mine.
When you pass through the water, I will be with you;
in the rivers you shall now drown.
When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned;
the flames will not consume you.
Isaiah 43:1-2
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